32 Things I Have Learned
I turn 32 on Friday, June 29. Rather than focus on all the crap I have not done with my life, I am going to think about what I have learned.
1) “Love thy neighbor.” Every commandment, with the exception of putting God first, relates back to this one. Read I John. All five chapters repeat this commandment in some form or fashion.
2) Be nice to birds. They, in turn, will not disrespect your car.
3) Do one good thing a day. It makes you feel good about yourself. Or at least until someone harps on something insignificant and you feel like crap again.
4) It’s all about the offensive line.
5) Speaking of which: “Offense wins games; defense wins championships.” My assistant coach said this, but he might have gotten it from someone else.
6) My other assistant coach said, “Do it right, we do it light. Do it wrong, we do it long.” This is true, similar to the 1-10-100 rule we had at school. You end up spending time correcting a simple mistake than you would have if you just checked over it.
7) Don’t ever talk about exes on the first date. Or you will wish there wasn’t a second one.
I am allergic to grass.
9) Make sure your spotter is not easily distracted.
10) Wear sunscreen. LOL
11) Pets, for the most part, do lower blood pressure, unless they coo.
12) You should never own a TV larger than your father’s. (This was my dad’s rule, but his TV is bigger than mine now.)
13) A tomazzo is a bagel dipped in tomato sauce and topped with cheese and pepperoni.
14) No tan is a healthy tan.
15) A bird plague will wipe out a bunch of people. See me if you want a will drafted. I have a bird, so I figure I am relatively safe.
16) Don’t go to the grocery store thirsty. I bought a bunch of fluids, and I was STILL eyeing the blueberry pomegranate juice.
17) The United State Post Office has to make bids on new neighborhoods- unless they are not given the option to bid. Baldwin Park contracted out with a cheaper mail service which does no background checks.
18) There are few things that fishing line, duct tape, and a blue surgical rag won’t fix.
19) The Christmas Tree sting ray grub (aka “Slimies”) are the best. The gold Powerbait get lots of play from lizardfish and other embarrassing sea creatures.
See www.thejump.net/id/inshore-lizardfish.htm
20) If it glows in the dark, I am a sucker for it.
21) Professor Watts isn’t an artist even though he loves art.
22) Federer may be #1 in tennis, but I don’t think I can date a man who wears a headband as a fashion statement in an athletic competition. (Assuming of course, he would date a mediocre law student who has a huge debt now. See “What Sucks.”)
23) Two cups blueberries + one cup dry-roasted soybeans= gastrointestinal disaster.
24) TMI= Too much information.
25) I have test anxiety.
26) They kept medicating me last year, but the fact of the matter is that I really just started hating my job- and not because of the students.
27) I don’t like to cry. I think I will stop.
28) A sign that you have a heart is when it constantly gets broken.
29) It is time to go home when the bait runs out. (That’s why I can divide a shrimp about 10 ways.)
32) I can’t count.
What I Don’t Understand
What does it mean when the email says it can improve my “x life”?
Where is my x life? Oh yeah, in NC.
Are those Federal Reporters behind attorneys on TV? (Resolved. See comments.)
Why do they go to a commercial during the NCAA tournament when the updates come on?
Why does Calculus have letters? I thought it was math.
What the hell IS the purpose of the Model Penal Code? (You know, besides just confusing the hell out of law students.)
Can I make it through summer school without punching someone in the back of the head? (If it occurred during class, would it invoke tort liability instead of criminal?) I MADE IT THROUGH!!!
When the hell is Nip/Tuck coming back on? I miss you, Dr. Troy. 
Random Thoughts (If they even qualify as that)
I think my dove is stuck in the “on” position.
The cereal was the reason I got out of bed this morning.
I wonder if any of my students wake up in a cold sweat, glad they are no longer in my class?
I try not to make eye contact with that person in the mirror.
Is my name strange? Or is it me?
Can I get credit for my gangsign for Lexis? Is that covered under the contract?
If I was a real dog, I would take the “one-bite” rule very seriously.
Why do I watch Blue Streak every time it comes on?
What I Miss About Football
I miss…
riding the five-man sled.
spitting sunflower seeds on people.
4-4 defense with stunting SAFETIES.
my assistant coaches.
up-downs.
supermans in the mud.
concocting some unlikely remedy for fire ant bites, such as potash and rubbing alcohol.
tutoring a player in study hall, looking up, and catching other players paying attention.
sneezing from cut grass.
referees saying, “Oh, we know who you are.”
not knowing if cheerleaders actually attended the games.
Michael running sweep right behind a pulling guard for a touchdown.
watching Josh run and turning a busted play into a touchdown.
families who don’t cuss me out.
wondering if my parents will show up for the game.
watching SV kicking it deep.
seeing the defense hold em.
players who come to me when they get in trouble.
seeing the offense not hold em.
Jonathan busting up the play.
seeing “Cookie” throw-up. (I know. Damn the blue slushees.)
going to Bojangle’s after the game and the players cleaning up after themselves and other people.
all my teams.
First Amendment and kink.com
I am so proud of all my professors today.
My Sports Law professor, Marc Randazza, is a First Amendment attorney who represents clients who might not be the most popular with mainstream America. But the fact of the matter is, we all have Constitutional rights. As a capitalist society, those rights should extend to commercial goods. If a company wants to petition for a trademark for a product containing the word “fuck,” why not?
In the Orlando Weekly article, the Washington Redskins is mentioned. Washington’s trademark and fuckingmachines are not analogous. Washington’s logo is disparaging by objectifying an entire race! And if the court looks at the context in which the name was adopted, the court will discover how the name was coined by a man who was known as a bigot. (See http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/sports/redskins/longterm/book/pages/17.htm. ) Kink.com is not disparaging to an entire race. It is a company catering to a specific market. Although it may be offensive to some people, just like Professor Randazza said in his interview with Fox about Imus, “If we are going to tolerate free speech, and we’re going to love free speech, we’re going to have to love it all.”
The article does no justice to Professor Randazza. Anyone who has bothered to read his bio would know he has a passion for the First Amendment. Students in his class know that he believes in fighting the good fight and how his passion for the law shines through his teaching. Although he has his J.D., Professor Randazza demonstrates humility and does not talk down to us (unless that person is a Yankees fan). Keep up the good work, Professor!
Product Endorsements- Free
Victor Sinclair’s Bohemian: Sweet finish, tightly packed.
Annie’s Organic Goddess Salad Dressing: This dressing makes you want to get more lettuce so it doesn’t go to waste.
Arizona Diet Ginseng Green Tea: Addicting
Sarasa Medium Point Pens: Smooth
Lexisnexis: Can handle all your researching needs
Sine-Off: Works.
Jim Beam flavored barbeque sunflower seeds: Eat them if you want to drink all the fluids you bought at the grocery store. (See “32 Things…”)
March- Law Month
During the month of March, I sent to my family and all two of my friends Bible verses which related in some aspect to law. (My mother did this in February for “heart.”) I don’t know if March is law month or not, but our school participated in law week at that time, so I call it that. Here they are:
Psalms 118, Isaiah 61:8-9, Phillipians 3:7-11, Galatians 3:20-22, Hebrews 10:15-17,
Galatians 3:1-5, Galatians 2:19-21, Romans 2:1-14, Matthew 22:35-37, Matthew 5:18, Jeremiah 21: 11-12, Proverbs 28:3-5, Isaiah 33:21-23, I Corinthians 9:21-23, I Corinthians 4:3-5, Psalm 1:1-3, Romans 13:1-7, Isaiah 51:5-8, Acts 9:30-33, Deuteronomy 30:9-11, Romans 3:19-26, Deuteronomy 7:9-12, Exodus 18:13-27, Matthew 7:1-3, Ezekiel 20:19-21, Acts 17:2-4, Luke 16:16-17, Hosea 4:5-6, Hosea 12:4-7, Acts 5:27-42, Psalms 82
Self-Preservation
Sometimes to protect my fragile ego:
I pretend the professor made a mathematical error- even though he went to Harvard.
That my clothes really weigh 10 pounds.
The guy was gay, and that’s why he didn’t want to have anything to do with me.
That Haiku (my Dove) and I do magic tricks together.
That I buy Cosmo for the fashion articles. (WHAT FASHION ARTICLES???)
The Steelers offensive line is the best.
The motorcycle accident is the only hit Big Ben had this past year.
I am not allergic to grass.
Right is really the other left.
New Baseball Rule Proposal
Watched Red Sox v. Yankees at Smokey Bones the other night (they aren’t closing!!!). I saw BoSox’s first baseman (whose name I am too lazy to look up, although according to Dennis Leary I know the man’s Jewish) get beaned with a pitch. He approached the pitching mound but was restrained. Unfortunately.
I propose this (to create more opportunities for violence in baseball and to raise the game to a “Deal or No Deal” level of play): if a batter gets hit with a ball, he should have the opportunity to either punch the pitcher once anywhere on his body or take the walk. I’m considering allowing for more than one punch if the TV station replays footage of the errant ball.
<!–
var EXlogin=’martzam’ // Login
var EXvsrv=’s10′ // VServer
EXs=screen;EXw=EXs.width;navigator.appName!=”Netscape”?
EXb=EXs.colorDepth:EXb=EXs.pixelDepth;
navigator.javaEnabled()==1?EXjv=”y”:EXjv=”n”;
EXd=document;EXw?”":EXw=”na”;EXb?”":EXb=”na”;
EXd.write(“
